Yes, a post about summer.

So, I have moved into my new house, and I have started school.
Basically, as of now, I miss summer so much.
...I miss my boyfriend.

It's only been two days since I've seen him, and I already miss the days spent with Mr. Guadarrama.
I will always remember running through the sprinklers at Watkin’s Park…and the first time I slept at his house. I will always remember the day I met his family, and July 11th. And I will always remember our first episode of Huge, and the hours spent on my futon or at the drive-in. I will never forget this summer, because it has been one of experience, growth, and love. This summer, I learned what love really is. And I've come to realize that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and I am determined to make him the one I spend my life with. Because lobsters and turtles—yeah, they’re destined.

07.28

Today is my mother's birthday.

And, I don't believe we're doing anything.

I should be moved into my new house by next week.

Ehh.

I know we'll make it anywhere, away from here.

Today I passed something off of my bucket list. My number one, which is run through the sprinklers in a park with someone I care about.

And really, it was incredible.

Thank you, CJ.

Oh, and I’m moving.

So...

I wish I was dead.

eighteen.

You'd think that since it's summer I'd be a more active writer--but, I guess not.

I am coming to a close on the fourth week of my summer, and so far, it has been an amazing summer.

(And this is why I haven't been writing.)

I have been spending some quality time with the most amazing person in the world.



And yes, I know that I am so white compared to him.

But here's the thing: I am in love.
I pick his nose, and he tickles my feet. But this isn't love...it's much, much more than that. And yes, we pull silly faces at each other, and I can win him in a game of keep away, but when all is said and done, I will always love him. Because he's the one person in my life that really knows me in every single way. He's why I wake up in the morning with a smile. And I why I look forward to sleeping, because there's always a chance that I'll dream of him. I can be so goofy around him, and not even care. He's the prince that makes my fairytale better than the ones I've read in books.

So God, if you're listening, thank you...for giving me the best life I could ever dream of.

If you want to shine like the sun, then first you have to burn like it.

I've been thinking about what I want to write about in my blog for the past week. And the reality of it is: I have nothing to share with you.

Sometimes I imagine that I have 4930493 readers who just don't like to make themselves known. Though, I'm sure that isn't the case. But, for those two or three of you do, I'll fill you in on my summer so far.

My first week was nothing special--at all. I would bet I've spent 60% of it sleeping. Thirty percent doing nothing at all, and the remaining ten hanging out with CJ or going to the gym.

Let me tell you about my gym experience: I love cardiovascular exercise. Especially swimming. But I've also noticed that some people will spend an hour hogging one machine. Either way, it's lovely.

Well. I'm not quite sure what else to enlighten you with. I think I shall retire to bed, and then possibly wake up early enough to do some laundry.

Until then, farewell.



I chose this photo, because it is believed that leaving a note outdoors will eventually find its way to the person it was intended for. And...I wanted to make sure my message got out to the right somebody.

Credit: http://adeas.blogg.no/

We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string.

Today, I realized just how much I am scared to grow up, and granted that it's only 6:25 a.m., I guess it can be misconstrued as me being crazy. But I guess I'm scared because I have to do it alone now. I know that now. I didn't know that it'd me this hard--since everyone that I'm closest to is beyond me. And, I've been having a really, really hard time with that. I don't ever want to grow up, I want to live in my mom's basement until she kicks me out.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days with Joshua Ficken and cast Harry Potter spells in my backyard. Or to the times when it wasn't frowned upon to take a nap in the middle of the day, but rather encouraged.
I've grown a lot in the past year, and...I suppose it's a good thing. I know where I want to go, and who I want to be. But, do you think if I begged, they'd let me stay in high school for another three years? Next year I will be a senior, and then I'll move onto college. It's a bittersweet thing, because I am so jealous of the class of 2010 because they get to get started on their life. And I'm still going to roam the halls of a high school with 2000 other students. Where computer systems don't know me by name, but by a number.
So, I guess I'll suck it up, and finish this week, and enjoy my last summer. Because sooner more than later, I do have to grow up. And I would like to enjoy that...because I'm just not ready to grow up.

"If you close your eyes, you may see a pool of lovely pale colors. If you squeeze them tighter, the pool will take on different shapes, and the colors will become brighter - so bright, that in a moment they'll go on fire. And in that moment, just before they do, you will see Never Land."



Image property of: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/christmas

May 26th.

Today is my dad's 45th birthday.



Happy Birthday, Daddy.
I will always love you.

Love, Brooke.

Chapter 6.

I have it set in my head that people can read my mind--that I don't have to tell them how I really feel. The funny thing is, I always expect them to, and I expect them to make me feel better, and am disappointed when they don't. I haven't learned yet, obviously.

Sometimes, I think I'll never even truly understand myself. And sometimes, I feel like I know myself all too well.

Have you ever written something that you regret? Like, publicly? One time, in sixth grade, I vandalized the girl's bathroom. Man, I thought I was so bad-ass. Now, I really believe I was just a freaking retard.

Today I realized how angry cutters make me. Which is odd, given the fact that I was one. I read this "story", and I really had no sympathy for the person. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But honestly, I'm pretty sure I just don't care.

Does anyone else find it odd that parents can text message? They should not be allowed to use technology. My mother approached me today and said, "Will you teach me how to do my iPod?"
Why sure mom, it's just a drag and drop thing, but, you know, okay. Pshh, why the frick am I complaining? Now I don't have to do it. Like I said, sometimes I don't understand myself.

Why, oh why must I beg?! I just want a little attention >:(

Okay, I'm done with my lame writing.

All things set aside, I'm in a great mood.

Kid, I'm going to be with you longer than the world can stand...Because there's a light that's stronger shining out of your eyes.

Today, I lost my dog, Mac. And...it's sad because I was sad that I could not find him. However, someone did return. I've no idea who, but if for some reason you stumble upon this and read this, I would like to say thank you.



I chose this image, because I feel it can explain itself 8]
I've been lazy, what of it?

What have you been up to?

Photograph credit: http://majashnkumsx3.xanga.com/


Oh, and P.S. You were right.

Loser.

Loser
I'll never fly a plane,
Never have a wife,
I'll never get first place.
I'm stuck here with this life.

I've always been the quiet one,
And for that I'm known as strange,
Kids fight me for the fun of it,
And I know it'll never change.

I failed geometry, twice.
My only friends are miles away,
Dad beats me 'til I bruise,
And mother's gone astray.

I'll never be a college grad,
Or one from even high school.
I'll never make my family proud.
My life is way too cruel.

In this world I'll die alone,
With no one to embrace.
Because I'm just a loser,
A loser with a face.


I've decided that when I can't find a photo for the week to share with you guys, I will share one of my poems with you, instead. This poem I wrote after a conversation with by boyfriend, CJ. We were talking on the phone, and I was being a pathetic, depressive girl, and I said, "I'm just a loser with a face." And from there, this was inspired 8]
But, with an update, I no longer think I'm just a loser with a face. I'm beyond that stage in my life.
Farewell, child.

You know, there's nowhere else to go.

I'm just going to start out with an obnoxious sentence.
I miss sleeping innnnnnnnnnnnnn!!
I don't think I've slept in for the past two months...and frankly, I'm disappointed. As summer is getting closer, and the sun is getting warmer, I can't help it but not want to wake up every morning for school. My alarm goes off at 5:35. And, I'm too stupid to set it for a later time, so I hit the "Snooze" button quarter of a million times before I actually stop "snoozing". I know, I know...I'm ridiculous.
You know, I must say though...I'm not liking that my school has yet to turn on the air conditioner...making it so I sweat...which results in a chain reaction of other terrible things.

I'm ready for a sleepover...even though I have no friends to have one with. Because you see, the friends I do have, well, they never invite me anywhere. Time for new friends? Oh, I think so.

But, I'd never thought I'd say this...I'm ready for summer.
Dear Winter, I will miss you. Sincerely, Brooke.

I've been thinking a lot about my extended family lately. And to put it bluntly: I love them and I wish I could be with them more often.

Anyway, it's late...and I'm tired. So, I shall attempt sleep, and maybe only hit "snooze" once.
...Ha, yeah right.

8]

The devil and God are raging inside me.

First and foremost, I just want to apologize about missing my photo of the week this week. I have no excuse, well, I sort of do...I couldn't find one that I liked.

A lot has been happening this week. I'm depressed, for no real logical reason. But it's a chain reaction. Since I'm depressed, I'll think depressing things, and focus on negative things. Especially from the past. Oh, the past haunts me sometimes. Have you ever thought about something that really affected you and it just made your heart feel so heavy and worn out? That's all I've been doing since Sunday. Then again, that's not very long, since it's only Tuesday. But I don't know.

Today in my journalism class, we learned who made leadership roles. I was so sure that I was going to get head designer...only to find out that I had not. I guess what really disappoints me, is that that was the only reason I was staying in journalism at midterm. God, I wanted it so bad. I don't cry easily, but that did make me cry. Then again, maybe I'm just really emotional? Who knows. However, I will be head web designer or something? Either way, I'm upset beyond belief.

I hope to focus on my writing a little bit more. I miss writing in my blog so frequently...even though I'm sure I have like one, maybe two readers. Which, if you do read...you ought to comment, just so I know. Then again, you don't have to.

But...I guess this all I have to say...for now.

Oh...check out Bon Iver. He's fantastic.

My Bucket List.

For those of you who don't know what a bucket list is, it's basically just a list of things you want to do before you die. However, for me, I like to keep things realistic. Therefore, you won't find something on my list that says, "Meet the President of the United States." I want to be able to complete my list...and I plan to. I'll update it from time to time, and...I hope it inspires you to make your own.

1. Run through the sprinklers in a park with someone I care about.
2. Finish the Sword of Truth series.
3. Write a book--even if it isn't published.
4. Graduate high school.
5. Graduate college.
6. Discover who I am.
7. Change someone's mind.
8. Inspire someone.
9. Marry the perfect man for me.
10. Have a library filled with books I have read.
11. Meet someone new.
12. Go to a drag show in Vegas.
13. Go on a road trip consisting of sleeping in a car.
14. Fall asleep under the stars with someone I love.
15. Visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
16. Talk to a missionary.
17. Listen to 200 songs in a row without skipping.
18. Cuddle with my children.
19. Grow a bonsai.
20. Drink water until my urine is clear.
21. Visit New York.
22. Teach my children to read.
23. Meet the most amazing guy in the world.
24. Win an award.
25. Win a game of Monopoly.
26. Learn to play Monopoly.
27. Own a house.
28. Help someone overcome a fear.
29. Better who I am.
30. Spend hours talking to someone about my past.
31. Stay up twenty-four hours.
32. Finger paint with my toes.
33. Attempt reading War and Peace.
34. Memorize a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
35. Get a speeding ticket.
36. Get ahead on rent.
37. Help someone in need.
38. Live.

I know they may be simple tasks, and who knows, maybe one day I won't want to do it anymore...but for now, these are my goals.

Do you have a bucket list? If so, what's on it?

Hold your head high.

This weeks photo:




The thing that first drew me to this photo was the optimism that is so apparent in it. You have a graveyard, but there's still sunshine. I know, it's corny. But...when my father died, I didn't think I'd be able to be as happy again. The truth is, I have been happy. Every day I miss him, but I still have the best life I could ever ask for.

Photo credit: http://decembernights.tumblr.com/

No title.

This week feels like it's just flown by. Maybe because I've actually been productive all week.

Here's a quick update.
Monday: I don't even remember what happened...other than that I went to look at a car of interest.
Tuesday: I don't remember either. Oh wait, yes I do. I swapped tires on my mommy's vehicle and my truck. Oh, and I got my new car. A Ford Escort zx2. 1998. Which, I need to name it. So I'm up for any ideas...
Wednesday: I was supposed to go pick up my new retainer but I had no gas or money. But I went to an interview for a documentary thingy. I think it went exceptionally well. And I helped my friend tow a car to the Southtown Auto Mall--with a really small tow strap.
Thursday: Some piece of crap person broke into my car and stole my wallet, along with other prized possesions. And I went to pick up my retainer.
Friday: (Today) I had a fantastic day. I have no idea what made it so wonderful--I just did.

I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to every weekend, really. Mainly because I love who I spend them with 8]

I'm dying the under part of my hair a really, really dark blue. Pretty stoked on that.

Anyway, I don't really know what else you entertain you with. If I'm even doing that.
I shall bid thee farewell. Until...well, hopefully tomorrow for my photo of the week.

Innocence.

For this week's image I chose this child.
Mainly because this past week I've been thinking about my life, and how it's nothing like it used to be. When we were younger, we didn't know the difference between right and wrong--we were innocent.
I've recently experienced something that has made me aware of how my innocence is no longer there. I'm finally growing up,and this picture helped me remember that.

Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/medalomismo/2347496417/in/set-72157605160570624/

Bah, bah black sheep, have ye any wool?

I've decided to start a new thing:
Photo of the week--of which I am not sure where I will get these photos, but I will give due credit 8]

I hope to find that photo every Saturday of every week.
So, let's hope.



This week's image is this tattoo.
I chose it because, in my opinion, it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I don't know, there's something about the eyes on the demon, and then the blosoms around it that just make it so...I'm not sure of the word. But whoever the tattoo artist is, is fantastic. If I were to ever put anything on my body, I would want it to be as beautiful as this.

Either way, that's it, for now.

Photo credit: http://fuckyeahtattoo.tumblr.com/page/12

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I woke up, decided I'd find my way around this town.

This weather has me feeling down. Which, I'm sure it has effected everyone in some way today.

Today is the very first day of my Spring Break. Meaning, it's the very first day of doing absolutely nothing--let me tell you about how blissful that is. And that was sarcasm, by the way.

The more people that post pictures up of them at prom, the more sad I am that I didn't get to go. What must a girl do to have one night where she feels absolutely beautiful? Because I've never had a night like that--and I would really like one. Is there a how-to guide? If so, please link me.

I just got home from a family dinner, and, I've realized how flawed my family is. My grandmother from my mom's side kept giving me dirty looks all night. My mother was on her phone half of dinner, and when she wasn't on the phone talking about something stupid, she was talking crap about my grandmother from my dad's side, and also my aunt. I guess it just bugs me because she only adds fuel to the fire, and she can't let things go.

Okay, time for a letter to a person whom I shall leave anonymous.

Dear Person,
I'm sure you don't realize how your actions really do effect me, and I guess I'm wrong for just assuming you can read my mind--but I feel you just aren't reasonable. I am open about it, why can't you? Maybe you're just ashamed...then again, maybe not. Either way, it makes me feel bad that I'm not worth it enough to you for you to mention it slightly.
Sincerely,
Brooke.

A Mess, It Grows.

I used to think I was ready--there was no doubt in my mind, that when the time was right, I would give it away. It being my virginity. But, today I met this girl, I wish I knew her name...but I don't. I was sitting at dinner with my mother and her friend, Brenda, at our usual gathering place, La Frontera. At the time, we were just having girl talk, and this waitress sat down as casual as could be, and asked, "Girl talk! What are we talking about?" If you know my mom, you know that she's not shy about anything, so she responded, "Sex." Long story short, it came down to us talking about me and my choices about sex.
I've been talking to my mom about putting me on 'the pill' just in case. And, as any mother would suspect, she would think that I had been thinking about having sex, which is true. But as I listened to this waitress, I realized just how unprepared I am for something so serious. She waited until she was twenty-eight years old, and, if you ask me...that says a lot about who she is as a person. I have great respect for her, because she told us she isn't LDS, and never had been. She just didn't want to. I'm sure one might find it odd why her saying something as simple as that made me realize how naive I have been, and I can see why. Yet, I really have no rebuttal--all I can say is that it did.
I don't understand why teens are so quick in wanting to throw their lives away. First, you can't wait until you're sixteen so you can drive. Then, you can't wait until you're eighteen so you can move out and get wicked tattoos. Finally, before you know it, you're married with three kids and you're looking back wondering, "Where did all that time go?" At least that's what an older 'friend' of mine once said to me. And I can't say that I have never wished I was older. I am guilty of that, for sure. But, I never really gave much thought about it until today. I don't want to grow up, I don't want the pressures of having sex at the age of seventeen. I don't want to feel tied down at such a young age--there's still a lot to experience. I'm not ready...because I don't want to lose my virginity, I would like to give it to someone who means the world to me, and who I have no doubt in my mind will be there in the morning. I find it funny, (I'm guilty of this too) that people at the age of fifteen can talk to their boyfriend or girlfriend about their future, and how many kids they're going to have, and what they imagine their wedding to be like. The sad thing about it, is that it isn't likely that they will end up together anyway. Because as I said, there's so much to experience. What you may want as a teenager, may not be what you want when you have a decent head on your shoulders. And I guess I really have no right to 'preach' to anyone...because how do I know, right? I don't know, I guess I just like to think that I have a logical way of thinking and just want to make sure that if I make a mistake, it isn't impossible to fix.


On another note:

1. We are all born unequal. Which is sad, because in the eyes of God, we are all the same value. We live in a society where if you are born into a poor family, and all you are taught is to be poor, you are more than likely going to live your life as so. It's called self-fulfilling prophecies. When we are taught that we will never amount to anything, and that we are low, ugly, beautiful, or anything else that you have been called, after hearing it enough times, we believe it. It's a cruel, cruel world. Considering the different social classes and everything else that associates us to a certain group. Rarely are we ever looked upon as human beings, but on what we have. I take classes downtown, right across the street from the homeless shelter, and sure, you have pity for the man you see carrying all his belongings in a brown paper bag, but then to the left of him you see another homeless man shooting up. Thus, stereotyping homeless people for drug addicts, and lazy son-of-a-bitches. Most will never wonder why these people are where they are, or what they go through every day when we having things much easier. As lame as it sounds, but I honestly feel bad for the people in the world that are so close-minded and only live in fundamental attribution. It's a cruel, cruel world.

2. Men are the superior out of the males and females. So we are taught. And women complain about how we are treated unjust. In my opinion, it is the opposite way around. Women have so many more opportunities than men. Men are expected to have it all, know it all, and accomplish it all on their own, but the females are given aid and special attention. Without sounding racist, why is it that there are scholarships for an African-American male, a Hispanic male, and a whoever male, but there aren't nearly as many for a Caucasian male. How does the world expect a man to be successful if he is not given equal opportunity? It really grinds my gears thinking about all the flaws society has, and it sucks because really, there isn't a single thing I can do. All I can do is agree to disagree.

3. There is a girl at my school who has cancer. And most find it heartless and rude that I have no empathy for her. I don't feel I should go out of my way to be nice to her just because she is sick. She has never done anything for me and probably hasn't for most of the people at my school. Her having cancer doesn't make her a saint and I don't understand why people treat her as though she is one. Sure, she's optimistic, but so am I. And I didn't have to get cancer for me to see the glass as half-full. Mad props to the girl for making it where she is today, but it's frustrating. In my opinion, if you are too sick to go to school, and you still do, it is selfish. Because then I have to go out of my way so she can be in a safe environment. In reality, it would be a lot easier if she stayed home rather than disrupting many kids' experiences at school. But over all, the reason I do not show her any empathy, is because I'm sure she doesn't want it. If I had cancer, I wouldn't want people to worship me because I had cancer, I would want them to accept me because I had done something worthwhile. I really don't see how that make me heartless, then again, we all have different opinions.

But, I guess that's my rant for now. I like to think I made some strong points, and I'm sure I sounded like a huge bitch throughout most of this--but I can't say I care. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately.

And with that:

Just the other day I saw my very first dandelion.
And, if you know anything about me, you'd know that dandelions are my favorite 'flower'.
I've always said that I don't want it to get warm--I'm a winter girl.
But, today after seeing just how bright and warm the sun was, I am rather excited for summer.
 I'm excited for the adventures I will go on with my friends, and others that I may meet along the way.
It's my last summer as a legal child--so I want to make the best of it.

And with that:
I'm with the single most amazing guy in the world 8]
He's right next to me. In fact, he may or may not be the person writing this *winky face*

When I Look At You...

I have to laugh, because over the past few days, I've really surprised myself.

I've never felt the drive so strong.
And I've never really wanted it so much.

In the long run, I will always look back and think, "You were such an idiot."
But, at least for now, I can smile and say, "I told you so."

I will be seventeen on Wednesday. I have no special plans, really. Though, I can tell you I'm stoked. I don't usually look forward to my birthdays, I don't know why this year is different, it just is.

In the past two days, I've learned a lot about myself.
About how far I'm really willing to go. And about what I really want to do.

There are two kinds of courage. The courage to live, and the courage to die.

You're The Reason I Come Home.

This is a song by Ron Pope--and I have just fallen in love with it, so I thought I would share it.

Watching you watching me,
A fine way to fall asleep.
The neighbors fight,
As we both rest our eyes.

Hands in the fallen snow;
Numb to the winter cold,
But we don't mind,
'Cause we'll get warm inside.

You're the reason I come home.
You're the reason I come home, my love.
You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...
Well, you're the reason I come home.

Paper doll silhouettes,
Fingertips on window glass;
The street's asleep,
So I breathe you in deep.

The tragedies of chemistry,
People dream of what you and me
Have found...
Effortlessly.

You're the reason I come home.
You're the reason I come home, my love.
You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...
Well, you're the reason I come home.

And for a long time, I remember,
Saying prayers for something perfect,
Saying prayers for someone kind.
It's in my head,
We're spinning circles down the avenues instead.

You're the reason I come home.
You're the reason I come home, my love.
You're the reason that when everything I know falls apart...
Well, you're the reason I come home

Dear _____,

Driving down the street in a quiet neighborhood, one doesn't think about the story that lies behind each front door. Which, I guess is a good thing, because I think if everyone knew, our world be chaos.

Behind my front door there's a story that doesn't seem to be a very good one--but I guess that's because I'm being pretty pessimistic.

It's funny how one day your life is going great--and it stays that way for awhile, then one day you wake up and your world has flipped inside out and upside down.

I had a great vacation...only to come home to a really stressful situation. To be frank, I'm depressed. Everything we worked so hard to fix, is a mess. I just want to close my door, turn out all the lights, and curl up in a ball and cry like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes I wish I were too young to understand what was going on...I know it isn't possible, but it's okay to wish, right? I've been thinking about a lot lately--about everything in my life. I miss my dad, oh I miss him. I miss his sense of security--and his hugs. The gentle giant...

I don't know where it went, my self-confidence is shot. I just wish I had direction. I wish I knew where I wanted to go. Or what I wanted, because right now, I feel so lost. I hate how I'm in this roller coaster of feelings. I hate feeling great one second, then feeling like shit the next. I hate that there's nothing I can do, but sit back and watch as my mom struggles. Even if I were to tell you half of what was going on, I don't think you could comprehend...and I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to.

Dear God, if you're there, please help me find my peace. Sincerely, Brooke.

Untitled.

I haven't blogged much this week, and in all honesty, I'm disappointed. My head has gotten the best of me and I can't quit thinking. Funny thing is, I can't think of anything to write.

I am on vacation in West Yellowstone--I arrived yesterday. Last night, I slept terrible. I woke up about a million times, and when I finally woke up for good, my back hurt. I'm young! I shouldn't be having back problems :/ Tomorrow we pick up our snowmobiles so we can go sledding. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am because it's my first year being able to drive myself rather than sitting on the back of someone else's sled.

I tried talking to my mom today--telling her to let me have a baby pug. If I had one, I would name him Icarus. And he'd be my baby 8] He'd have to be fat though. But I don't think having a dog would be a good idea right now, considering I'm planning on college in a little less than two years and I'd have to give him up :( So I'm thinking I could get an anti-tragus piercing...I could keep that forever. In case you don't know what that is, this is what it is: CLICK. Only, I'm thinking it'd look cuter with a hoop--but I could be wrong. Feedback through comments?

I'm watching the Olympics with my aunts, which I find odd, because I really don't care about them. I think the Olympics are lame. Then again, it sometimes takes a lot to entertain me.

I don't really know what else to write about. So, I shall bid thee farewell and goodnight.

Sincerely,
Brooke.

CJ Guadarrama

February 7th, 2010.
5:07 p.m.

Most are probably watching the big game...eating and drinking, in a very convivial mood. But me, I sit here at my computer. I don't care about the game, I don't care about food, I don't care about anything right now, really. Except for one thing: CJ. If I could find the words to tell you how much I have fallen in love with him over the past few days, it'd be a miracle.

I remember when I first started talking to him. It was December 23, 2008. My parents were out of town, and it was just my brother and me at home. It's a funny story how we met, I suppose. He was originally supposed to come tag my walls--it's funny how my walls are still bare. Maybe it was destined that we started the way we did, then again, maybe it wasn't, but all I know is that I wasn't expecting it--I wasn't expecting to fall in love with the most amazing person in the world. And I definitely wasn't expecting him to love me back.

The very first night I talked to him, I sat in my room, on my bed, under my window. Who would think that four hundred and nine days later, I would be head-over-heels in love? The first conversation we shared, consisted of the basics: our name, our age, where we live, our exes, our family, and about how Harry Potter was better than Twilight--we talked about everything. I remember hanging up my phone that night, and thinking that I could really like this kid. And as I proceded to fall asleep, the last thing I thought about was how excited I was to talk to him tomorrow. Even now, a year later, I still fall asleep with that same excitement.

December 25, 2008 marks the day that I was able to call him my boyfriend. Some may think that two days isn't enough time to get to know someone enough to call them your significant other, to those, I'd laugh and say that they know nothing. I felt as though I had already known him my whole life. He was my twin...we confirmed that the very first night we started talking. We had a lot in common, we both loved to write, and read, and how we both hated feet--it was the plot that every love story is said to have. But to me, it isn't just any story, it's our story.

I had never given much thought to love before I met him. I know now that love is rare, and a love like ours was meant to last forever. There really is no definition to what love is...but to me, it's knowing that I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Knowing that when I wake up every morning, thinking about him, he's doing the exact same about me. I've never had a guy who would go that extra mile for me. Even now I don't--I have a guy that goes a thousand. I often find myself looking at clocks, counting down the hours until I'll hear his voice, or locking the silliest text messages just so I can read them again later. I love the feeling I get when I hear him laugh, or the sound of his voice when tells me he loves me, or calls me his baby and his princess. I love that we have silly nicknames and that we can talk about our future. There is no doubt in my mind, that perfect does exist. Because it's him. And what we have.

As I think back on the days I've shared with him, there's not a single day that I regret. Not one. I love his little gestures that he does to remind me how much he loves me, and how he sings our song to me. When he first told me he loved me, I was the happiest girl in the world. And when he first called me his baby, I remember the feeling I got in my tummy. It was as if the butterflies were so happy, that they were going to flutter up and escape out my mouth...There is no word or phrase to explain how happy I have been since he's walked into my life. I saw what it was like without him, and there is no way I can survive without him again. It's now that I know why everyone cries in romance movies. Because once you've experienced a love so strong, you have everything you could ever dream of having. You feel beautiful when you're ugly, you can listen to love songs and sing them as loud as you can and not care how terrible you sound. I never knew there was such happiness in the world, and I'm sure it's corny, but I love it. I love that he has inspired me and helped me grow. I love that he's my best friend and that I can call him at any hour of any day and know that he will be there for me. I love being able to depend on him, even when I don't deserve him. I could go on for pages telling you everything that I love about him. Like how cute his sneezes are, and how sexy he sounds in the morning, or how warm his hugs make me feel. But the truth is, I love every single thing about him. I love it when he kisses me, and talks about our future, and leaves me cute voice-mails...I love it all.

CJ, you are the reason I am who I am. And though this phrase doesn't even compare to how I feel, I love you. And I will until forever ends. Every single day, I will be there for you, and I will love you like there is no tomorrow. Because really, you are my everything. My absolute everything. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

February 7th, 2010.
6:29 p.m.

You're all I have.

Between you and me...I love getting compliments. Especially on my writing.

I wanted to share with you something that my really good friend said to me.
"I don't think it's about how many people read it (or who), but how many hearts you touch when people read your stuff  (count me as one please) it may be personal stuff, but there's always something to remember, something that makes it beautiful what you write, something that gets out of normal blogs . So yes, you have the talent to transmit your passion to others with your writing..."
I guess I just really liked what was said, because I've always hoped that my writing helps people, or intrigues them in some way.

I like to write with passion. Every word I write, is generally stemmed from passion. Because in all honesty, I love writing. So, so much.

I know it's probably silly, but I wanted to also share this with you. It's from the most amazing boy in the world: CJ.

"Princess Stinkyface.

 

I love you.  I am honored to call you my girlfriend.. I can spend a million years to try and describe how sorry I am for what I did, and four million for why I love you, and I'd still fall short.  I am on the phone with you now, and as much as I hate writing so little to you, I can't leave you hanging.  You might hang up again. ;)

It's 10:55.  Monday night.  February First.

 

I can't get over the fact that I am Whole-heartedly, Head over heels in love with you.

You're the half to my whole no mistaking.

 

11:05

As fingertips feel the sensation to weep,
And wax-melted candles reflect in your sleep,
A beauty that forces the pain to retreat,
Even though the waves can keep breaking.

The power of destiny pulls like a rage,
The touch of your lips, hides the beast in the cage,
For love, as does wine, gets better with age,
My heart is the one that your taking.

I hope and pray, as the years run away,
And hourglass sands, stand still as I say,
I love you a little bit more every day,
You're the half of my whole, no mistaking."

If you know anything about me, it's that I am head-over-heels in love with him. Upon reading that, I got this huge knot in my tummy--but the good kind of knot, you know? And I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to find the tallest mountain in the world, climb it, and yell to the universe how much I love him...In truth, I've never felt more beautiful than I have or do. I can walk through the halls at school with no make-up, my hair undone, and my clothes a mess, and feel like the prettiest girl at school. CJ has helped me reach my full potential--he is what made me want to better myself. I've been thinking lately about mine and his past, and what we've gone through, and I overlooked something that, now, I'm angry at myself for not making more mention of how grateful I am for him....I was one of those stupid kids...the ones who would intentionally injure themselves because it "felt good." And, CJ is the person that helped me realize that. He is the person that helped me see that there is no point when I have all these people who love me and care about me. And for that, I cannot thank him enough. There will always be the people who say him and I won't end up together, and there will always be people rooting for us to fail...but to be entirely honest: I am going to marry him. I am determined, and we have the strength to make it work.

I could write paragraph after paragraph about him and I, but what it comes down to, is that we are two people, two twins, and two complete nerds, destined to fall in love.


Anyway, now that I've realized how much of a hopeless romantic I am, I just want to close with a larger than life thank you to every single person who has ever made me smile, made me laugh, helped me with anything, or told me that they loved me. And...I want to apologize for being so selfish and not mentioning to you how thankful I am for you.


The old Brooke, the optimist, is back. And she freaking loves it.
8]

All I want, is to find an easier way to get out of our little heads.

I'm really not looking forward to spending Valentine's Day alone...in another state.

My notebook is finally getting worn out, which, for some reason, gives me an odd sense of accomplishment. I've been writing more on a daily basis.

"I'll sing it one last time for you,
Then we really have to go.
You've been the only thing that's right,
In all I've done.

And I can barely look at you,
But every single time I do,
I know we'll make it anywhere.
Away from here."

I've grown to stop caring. I feel that in the past few days, I've reached a place where I am happy with who I am. Today, I felt more confident than I have in awhile--with no real reason to.

I've let go of everything that I've kept inside me...an old friend helped me with that.

"Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder.
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say."

...My heater is broken. And they're back together--go figure. I've decided that I just want to move out and on. 'Family' is just a word. They just want to morph me into what they want me to be...and that's not me at all. I want to live my life by my beliefs. I want to raise my children the way I believe is right.

"To think I might not see those eyes,
Makes it so hard not to cry...
And as we say our long goodbye,
I nearly do."

Dear CJ,
It's 8:47 p.m. and ever since I hung up with you at 6:31 p.m., I have not gotten you out of my head. You see, the truth is, I love you. So much. And I am so sorry. For everything.
Sincerely,
Brooke.

Goodnight, cyberspace.

I take a shot of caffeine, a stupid thing to do. Because now I'll be awake, thinking about our mistakes.

Let's never talk about it again.

Let's never mention that you were with her--or that you touched her.

And that she touched you.

And let's never talk about how much it hurt me--or how much it still hurts.

I want to talk about how I wish I could forgive you.
And about how I wish I could have done something so you wouldn't have done it...

"I said hell is so close, and heaven's out of reach, but I'm not giving up quite yet. I've got too much to lose."
-Augustana

I've put too much into this to just walk away--but staying is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can't get it out of my head, I think about it before I sleep, and every time I look in the mirror. I wonder if I'm really what you want, or if I'm good enough. I wonder if you'll compare us--and if I'm not pretty enough.

...I don't want to be alone.

I hate that this had to happen for us to be as close as we are now. I hate it more than you could know. Something like her--like what you did--shouldn't have needed to happen for us to realize that we are the only ones for each other. 

I take a shot of caffeine, a stupid thing to do. Because now I'll be awake, thinking about our mistakes.

I waited every single night, for that phone call. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, my phone still in my hand, hoping, just hoping, that I'd have a missed call, a voice mail, or a text. And every single time, I'd be disappointed. I'd curl up in my blankets, and I'd cry myself to sleep--knowing that you didn't want me anymore. I guess a part of me knew we were over, but we never made it official. You just upped and left--left me. I didn't know why...

How am I to know that won't happen again? When I call, and you don't answer, or I text, and you don't reply--I can't help but think...is it the first day to another set of the worst days, weeks, or months of my life?

I know people say to forgive and forget, but it's really not that easy. And I don't think I can.

...But I suppose that time heals all wounds, right?

Good morning, world.

Why is it that we must lose something in order to gain more respect for it?
Why do we take things for granted and never really care until we don't have it anymore?

I'm at a crossroad...again...I don't know quite just how to feel. But, this roller coaster of emotions isn't fun anymore. I don't like being indecisive...I wish I could just forget everything from the past and move on without any judgment. I can sit here and wish all day, but the truth is, I really don't care. I don't care if I can let the past go or not--not even a little bit. I feel I have every reason to be upset, but everyone else says to me, "You need to just let it go." Okay, maybe if it were something different. But not THIS.

I have a feeling it's going to be a very thought provoking day.

....great.

Blue on left, green on the right.

I'm not quite sure what my deal is, but I'm insanely emotional.

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go in life, where I'd like to end up, and who I think would be best to accompany on my journey. But, what is really getting on my nerves, is that I have no direction at all. I have no idea what I want to do, where I want to go, or who and how I want to love.

Every time my computer installs its updates, I find that I get really angry. Something about how it just decides to change all my settings really aggravates me...but when I realize that it's actually me, and not dear Henry, I get even more irritated. Henry is my computer, by the way.

I find that I write a lot better when I have a keyboard in front of me. My thoughts go crazy, and I write ridiculously slow, so I can never get half of my ideas on paper.

Our school newspaper was released today--and in my opinion, it was the best one of the year. I really enjoy journalism, and I've thought about pursuing it as a career, but I still have that money thing in my head that has been drilled into my brain since I can even remember. Why does it matter if I clean toilets or operate on people? As long as I have a passion for it, why does it matter how much money I make doing so? Oh school counselors, YOU SUCK!

I've just realized that this is extremely unorganized. My dearest apologies.

But, it's time to live my dreams while living in reality.
Because...I really do love my life.

Frederick Place.

The walls in my house are much too thin.
And the floors in my house are much too rickety.

My alarm clock reads that it is ten twenty-eight p.m.
Which means it is actually ten eighteen p.m.
Usually by this time, my parents are sound asleep. But tonight is different.
When they walk, it sounds like they are a one-man stampede.
And I can hear every word they are saying.
...I don't usually notice these things. 
I've only realized this recently--this being how old my house is. I can't help but think about my future. The truth is, I never want to leave this house. I've lived in this red-bricked building my entire life and have claimed three out of five of the rooms in this house my bedroom. Now I have my favorite room.

My bedroom is probably the smallest in the house. It's in the basement, in the very back corner on the right side (if you were looking at it head on.) I have silly posters and shrines everywhere. My bookcase is my favorite though. I've never given much thought to it, but that bookcase holds a lot of my memories...some that I hate, and some that I love.
I have no windows. Well, I do, but I wouldn't call them windows since they are covered by the ivy that has grown out of control from my mother's garden. I know it's weird, but I often wonder how I will escape if my house were to burst into flames, because my 'windows' are ridiculously small. It just so happens that my bedroom is the closest to the furnace, too. So, if that were to explode, I would surely die by fire....which I'm hoping doesn't happen, because I do hope for a future. A very pleasant one.
...But what I can't quite figure out about my windows, is that even though they are covered, I can always tell when the moon is full. The moonlight shines into my room just the right amount to keep me awake...

But, the truth is, I'm scared to grow up. Scared to leave this house, my warm bedroom, and it's remnants. I think I'm scared I'll lose the memories, or the warmth I feel. Or its safety.

Home sweet home.

“Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”

I wrote this for an English assignment...and considering I haven't posted anything in a few days, I figured this would count.

And no, I do not attend seminary anymore.

  “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.”

    I've always enjoyed waking up hours before everyone else does just to get ready to go to early morning seminary. Kind of how I like strawberry jelly on my celery... I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that most people get to be in their own warm bed, and I'm singing cheerful songs about putting your shoulder to a wheel at six o'clock in the morning. Ah, bliss. I don't want to be sleeping all snug and warm at all, no way!
     I deem it amazing how I sit in a classroom, learning, while Little Sally Tucker gets to dream about birdies and cupcakes covered in vanilla frosting. Bleh, food. I don't miss having my breakfast, that's for sure. That big bowl of Cocoa Puffs floating in milk, I just find it utterly repulsive. I mean, I'm a kid. What kind of kid likes sugar? Not a normal one, that's for sure. Everyone loves the feeling of being hungry--it gives a sense of fullness to their lives as they're slowly wasting away in senility. Teens worry about what they eat anyways, they're always counting carbs and watching their intake verses their outtake. They cannot gain that extra pound!
    I love getting yelled at, too. You know, for falling asleep in class while Mrs. Boring-face blabs on about mitochondria infested ellipsis osmosis equations? I think that's what she was saying anyway... Oh! Back on topic: There's nothing like receiving that crisp, white envelope from the counseling center that says my average CPA is below expected for graduation. It's a great feeling--knowing that I get to slave more and more so I can walk at graduation. I don't like sleeping in anyway. I like running on 2.3 hours of sleep.

It’s always great how after your amazing day so far (because you’ve only gotten yelled at by 3/4 of your teachers) you wander out to your car so you can go home, and start that five-hundred page essay on that mitochondria infested ellipsis osmosis equations thingy to find the most adorable pink piece of paper waving at you in a friendly hello. As you inch closer, you jump in joy, for it reads: Notice of parking violation. So you think to yourself, “Gee! Luck is on my side today!”

     So, I drive home while following the world’s slowest drive (I find that endearing, by the way) then I walk into my house, write that most enjoying essay, lie down for sleep around twelve, and repeat the process. Oh, the joy of waking up for seminary….

Indecisive.

If I could, I would live at the edge of the earth so the sky could be at my front door. And every night, I'd fall asleep beneath the stars. There comes a time in your life when you finally realize that you aren't a kid anymore--that you need to grow up. And that you have real dreams, and real nightmares. Sometimes I wish that things hadn't happened that the way they did, you know?

I've never given much thought to death. I always find it odd that when you wake up from a bad dream, it's only scary as you're coming out of sleep. You wake up, you're breathing heavy--and you're skin is damp from sweat.

...I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep all day and stay awake all night. You couldn't comprehend how bad my day has been...and it's only ten in the morning. Maybe my day will get better, maybe it won't.

Double Standards.

1/3/10
Double Standards.

When I walk, you follow--but when I run, you fall behind.

"One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight..."

I'm getting really tired of everyone always telling me what I want and what I don't want. Or what I should and shouldn't do.

I spent today thinking about mainly negative things; which is rare. I wish I had the guts to write about them--or even more, I wish I had the nerve to tell the people who have affected me.

"Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other..."

Why is it that when I make a promise, I am forced to say the sentence in its whole? Why can't I just say, "I promise," as opposed to, "I promise I will never leave you." ...I guess it's because I earned it.

I've been deemed as 'amazing', and 'funny', and 'cute', and whatever else you can think of. If these statements are so true, why is it that I don't feel them? I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. You cannot call me amazing, then turn to another girl. Or friend. or whatever.

"One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee..."

...Me.

Twenty Oh Nine.

It's sad, you know? That this year has ended; I'd be lying if I said that two-thousand-nine wasn't my best year yet, then again, I think every year always tops the last. Mainly because I'm growing--experiencing more. I like to think that this year was my year of learning. I've been up, then down again. I've fallen, then gotten back up again. And sure, most people probably have, but in some ways, I have faced more in the three-hundred and sixty-five days of this year than I ever have before...

As I read through my journal this year, I came to find that there wasn't much that was written--and if there was, it wasn't of anything too important. At first, I felt I hadn't learned much at all, but as I laid down for bed one night, I realized just how much I had learned. My lessons were in everything; my car, my mother, my cell phone, my boyfriend, my best friend, my writing, just everything. For every journey that I voyaged upon this year, how ever many that may be, I did learn something. And that saying "You learn something new every day," really is true.

The Beginning
My Januarys always start the same, I never make a resolution because I have no intention of keeping them, and I feel I'm fine the way I am. I entered the year with no real direction. I didn't know I'd be where I am today, I didn't know I'd change the way I did. Some may I say I'm not the 'Brooke' I'd used to be, to those people, I'd respond, "You're only young once." This year I learned that life is what you make of it, and there is no excuse for anything. 

The Writing
I've always had a knack for writing, but never passion. By the time summer vacation came along, I had written over ninety poems. At first I did it because I thought I was good at it. But as my life altered, and my trials settled in, I wrote to escape. The best part about the writing, was the person I shared it with. I have this dream to publish a book. Not a novel, or a fairytale, or anything like that. But a book of all my writings--the good ones, and the bad. In ways, I think writing helped me mature into the young woman I am today. I guess you could say it's a silly thing to say, I would agree, but for me, writing opened my eyes into a way that I didn't know possible. I had no imagination, at least I didn't think so, but then my pen met Mr. Paper, and from there, they lived happily ever after.

The Miscellaneous
Society is fucked. Period. A few weeks ago I was talking to a close friend of mine about gay rights. I know it's touchy issue with some people, but it's a big part of the way I live my life. I am straight, I always have been, and I always be, but I am very active in the gay community--I will fight for their equality until the day I die. I had the opportunity to meet Jacob Whipple (a gay activist in Utah) for an interview for a documentary I am making, and he worded what I had been trying to explain so perfectly. It was along lines of: What is it to a straight person if I am married to a man? They aren't affected by it all, it doesn't change the way their life is lived one bit. It will not not affect them when they get up and go to work in the morning, or how they eat dinner with their families. But it changes so much for me.   God will not love you anymore or less if you are gay, straight, lesbian, transgendered, or bisexual, and he will not condemn you to hell. The Latter Day Saints and proposition eight, really piss me off. Throughout this year, I've only grown to understand more about how the gay community is treated. America is about freedom, but yet they limit us? Who's place is it to say what's right and what's wrong? I mean, really? "But the bible says so..." Guess what! The bible says a lot of things--and the bible is NOT a book of rules. It is a book of history and suggested guidelines.

Along the lines of religion, this year I have changed my views. I am not religious--I am spiritual. Religion is nothing but bullshit. All religion is, is a group of people who share the same beliefs in the way you live your life. Being a former LDS member, I can see this. I went to a concert on November twenty-fifth and that's what set everything into motion--Thom Green, the lead singer of a band called Sleeping Giant, said, "Religion has nothing to do with your relationship with God." When he said that, it stuck. Let me stress, I do believe in God, and a lot of aspects of the LDS church, but not because it's what that religion expects, it's because that's what I believe--not what someone told me to believe. I do believe in God, I read the bible, I pray, and I do believe that He had a son. That same God helped me, and continues to help me to this day--and for that reason and many others, I will NEVER turn my back on him. God will not love me anymore or less if I do or do not go to church. My relationship with God is mine--I don't need a religion to have that. It's been a battle trying to get people to see this, because the minute they hear that I don't believe in religion, they roll their eyes at me and then say, "You're saying you don't believe in God?" But, that's not what I'm saying at all. If you think about it, you are only part of your distinct religion because your parents are, and their parents were, and so on, you really had no say in it at all, unless you're one of the few who have been converted, of which you are an exception, but then you've chosen that path for your kids, they will follow your religion, will they not? Of course they will, because that is how you raised them...

The Mother
I've hated her, I've loved her, then I've hated her again. But the truth is, I never hated her. I love her more than anything and respect her more today then I did yesterday. She's the strongest woman I know.

The Best Friend
Scot Johnson. If there is one person who I owe one million and one 'thank yous' to, it's Scot. Scot has been my harbor, my crutch, and my brother. I've never had a friend like him. He has never once backed out on me, never ditched me, never spoken ill of me, and never disappointed me. I will never forget our trips in our cars, our time in class, or the way we laugh about the dumbest of things. I will always remember our trip to Wal-Mart with his outrageous sqwaking, and my silent laughter. I've shared the best laughs with Scot. He's been there through it all. Through those hard weeks, through the sentencing, to financial troubles. I love him more than you'd know--I would do anything for this kid, literally, anything.

The Boyfriend
Had you asked me a year ago where I thought I'd be with this boy, I would tell you I had no idea. I met CJ December 23, 2008. I had no intentions of falling in love, but now that I think back, two-thousand-nine wouldn't have been two-thousand-nine without him.
On June 30, 2009 I wrote the following in my journal:
" "So will you marry me?"
"Of course."

3:30 a.m.
"I can't stop thinking about you...I can't sleep."

These past few days we've just grown so much more in love. I've never been this happy.
I love you.
You're my everything.
My baby...
"...you're my baby." "

There is such a thing as perfect in this screwed up world. And it's him. I've only known him a year, but it feels like a lifetime. I look forward to our phone calls every night, and every time he texts me, I get the biggest smile. I don't doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him--I love him so much. If you were to give me all the good words, in all the dictionaries, in every language, I still wouldn't be able to explain how much he means to me or how much I love him. Through every single disagreement we've had, and through every time I've been the world's worst girlfriend, he has never given up on me or what we are. Not a single time. When I hang up, he calls right back, when I've done wrong, and I'm feeling bad, he makes sure I'm okay first. I love our stupid jokes, and how he makes me laugh at the silliest of things. I love knowing that he will always catch me when I fall. And when he laughs, I get the greatest feeling in the world. I love the sound of his voice when he calls me his Baby, or his Stinky. I love that he's my lobster and that I'm his turtle. I love waking up every single morning knowing that he loves me. I'm excited for my future with him, in every way possible. I look forward to growing old with him and watching the world change. He's my hero, my prince, my everthing. I can't imagine my life without him. Any other guy would have given up me. But not him. He knows who I am better than anyone, sometimes more than me. He knows what to say and when to say it. And for that, and many other reasons, I love him more than life itself.

In Closing
Who knew that I'd be where I am today? No one, except maybe God. I have learned a lot in the past year--about life, about the world, and about myself. I can't say that I have any plans or major changes for two-thousand and ten. I will continue to live my life the way I am, but I will love like I have never loved before. Because you never know when you might be cut short. In some ways, this year has been the shortest, but in others, it's also been the longest.
So here's to the year we've said goodbye to, and the year that lies ahead. The best has yet to come.

What would you say if I told you that all I've thought about is you since you've been gone?

Anyone can say they're in love, but it takes more than words to actually mean it. Webster's dictionary defines love as a strong, positive emotion of regard and affection, but as I reflect back on the love I've had and do have, it's far beyond what a simple definition can convey. It's silly to say that a phone call every night and texts throughout the day is love, but it's not about what we do, it's about how we feel. I'm no guru on love; but I'm not exactly stupid either. I'm a sixteen year old girl determined to find her happiness.

People always have their elementary and middle school relationships and say that it's love, I know it sounds cliche, but I've been there and know that that's far from true. Even now, I may not know exactly what love is, but I like to think I have a pretty good idea. I once read in a well-known novel, "When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end," but love is but an experience; one that you never want to end. I realize it's corny and probably sounds ridiculous coming from the words of a teen, but I'm a firm believer that love does conquer all.

I've watched relationships fall, I've watched relationships build, and I've lived through them both as well, but what it all comes down to, is that love is what you make it. There is no definition.

Unreasonably taken.

I realize it's been about 390432 years since I last posted...and the reason is, I felt  had nothing important to 'entertain' you with.

But, just a quick update:
Starting today I have pledged to be vegetarian for 30 days--just to test the water.
I leave for D.C. in 29 days. Yay!
...And that's pretty much it.

November 25th there is a show that I would love to go to and I am in need of someone to go with.
Be my date :]

Tuesday (tomorrow) I start filming for my queer filmmaking class.

All in all, life is great.
Aside from the fact that I must be the biggest dumbass in the universe.

Until we meet again, farewell.

10/12/09

I Am.

There's some things that never change from when we were kids. For me, it's sneezing. Every time I go out and into the sun, I sneeze. I also still watch 'kiddie' shows; shows like Bear In The Big Blue House, and Arthur. And the funny thing is, I don't think it will ever change. But to be honest, I don't really want it to.

You see, for me, childhood was bliss. I had everything you could ever ask for. My family fit Webster's definition of the word. But, now that I'm 'grown up'...life doesn't seem so...blissful. Then again, I think it's that way for every kid. All because of innocence. When exactly does innocence stop being so innocent? When we can cross the street by ourselves? Or when someone forces it out of us? The earliest memory I have lacking my innocence, was around Christmas time in first grade. We sat there in the front of the school across from the Christmas tree, and we whispered. But not a silly game of whispering back and forth, we were whispering about sex. Yes, sex. I knew what sex was; and here I was, not even six yet, talking about it with my friends.

As I look back and remember my past and all the stupid things I did or said, I can't help but smile and appreciate the fact that I did do them. All my hits and misses define who I am today and why I do what I do. I realize that it's common sense and that everyone knows that...but for me, it isn't the same. I've hit rock bottom and managed to find my way to the top again. I mean, I don't have the saddest life story, but I also don't have the happiest. But I made it through. And so, I am pleased to say that I, I am Brooke Runyan. Nothing more, nothing less.

To Whom It May Concern:

And yet, another day of heavenly hell.

His grave has been replaced, with my sad and worn-through bones.
His tears have been replaced, with my hatred and conceit.
My life has been replaced, with remorse and sinful ways.

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...I want to grow old with someone.
On my first try, too.
And I want to ride my jazzy next to them as we drive down 41st when we're eighty and too old to walk.
I want to fall madly, and head over heels IN LOVE.

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I'd drive all night to find her happiness again.

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I've never been one to underestimate the power of God.
Or the power of indifference.
But I can't help but question,
Is this really worth it?

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Today, I progressed.

Breath.

I've cried more in the past two days than I have in the most recent six months of my life. And for reasons that I may never know. But, deep inside my fallen heart and tear-stained cheeks, I'm ninety-nine point nine percent sure I know where I fell off.
Have you ever had those experiences where you feel you've met your all time low? Yesterday was that day for me. And call me pathetic, but there's nothing that I wanted more than to be noticed. And if you know girls, you know that they expect to have their minds read.
For me, it's never been easy to express how I feel. I'm always too afraid to sound needy. Or crazy and unreasonable. So, instead I curl up with my favorite blanket and cry until the tears have far gone.


"You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You've got to fight just to make it through,
'Cause I will be the death of you.
This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.
Is it over yet? Let me in.
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please."
-Breaking Benjamin

Three and Ten.

Things aren't perfect anymore.
Any fool could see that...
And maybe it's my problem.
Maybe it's not.

Any fool could see that this isn't love.
Not even close.
It's lust.


I wish I could fly.
Just so I could rest amongst the clouds.


"I'll destroy everything I love.
And the worst part is,
I'll pull my heart out, reconstruct.
But in the end,
It's nothing but a shell of what I had when I first started."
-Relient K

In:Motion.

The world's best child does not argue.
The world's best child does as asked.
The world's best child does not get messy.
The world's best child is never told twice.
The world's best child prays; morning, noon, and night.
The world's best child lives a life without sin.
...The world's best child does not exist.


I say things I wish I could take back, I'm clumsy and unorganized.
I'm naive with a sense of suspicion.
But I walk with the pride of a thousand men.


Above me sits a porcelain piggy bank.
Next to my dead flowers.
Dead like the knocking at my chest...


If I had one wish,
It would be to play the piano.
I'd buy the oldest one I could find.
And it'd be out of tune and covered in dust.
But I would make it beautiful once again.
Beautiful like the knocking at my chest...

Deathbed.

The thing I think I miss most about the younger version of me, was being 

able to  be naive. To make wishes on silly things. Like dandelions and 

candles. And to not have to worry about all the stupid altercations that 

take place as we get older. 

Jealousy has done nothing but eat at me for the past two days.

You cried wolf.
The tears they soaked your fur,
The blood dripped from your fangs.
You said, "What have I done?"
You loved that lamb
With every sinful bone,
And there you wept alone.
Your heart was so contrite.
You said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes.
Sanctify this withered heart of mine.
Stay with me until my life is through.
And on that day, please take me home with you."

I am the Way,
Follow Me
And take My hand,
And I am the Truth
Embrace Me and you'll understand.
And I am the Light.
And for Me you'll live again.
For I am Love .