Twenty Oh Nine.

It's sad, you know? That this year has ended; I'd be lying if I said that two-thousand-nine wasn't my best year yet, then again, I think every year always tops the last. Mainly because I'm growing--experiencing more. I like to think that this year was my year of learning. I've been up, then down again. I've fallen, then gotten back up again. And sure, most people probably have, but in some ways, I have faced more in the three-hundred and sixty-five days of this year than I ever have before...

As I read through my journal this year, I came to find that there wasn't much that was written--and if there was, it wasn't of anything too important. At first, I felt I hadn't learned much at all, but as I laid down for bed one night, I realized just how much I had learned. My lessons were in everything; my car, my mother, my cell phone, my boyfriend, my best friend, my writing, just everything. For every journey that I voyaged upon this year, how ever many that may be, I did learn something. And that saying "You learn something new every day," really is true.

The Beginning
My Januarys always start the same, I never make a resolution because I have no intention of keeping them, and I feel I'm fine the way I am. I entered the year with no real direction. I didn't know I'd be where I am today, I didn't know I'd change the way I did. Some may I say I'm not the 'Brooke' I'd used to be, to those people, I'd respond, "You're only young once." This year I learned that life is what you make of it, and there is no excuse for anything. 

The Writing
I've always had a knack for writing, but never passion. By the time summer vacation came along, I had written over ninety poems. At first I did it because I thought I was good at it. But as my life altered, and my trials settled in, I wrote to escape. The best part about the writing, was the person I shared it with. I have this dream to publish a book. Not a novel, or a fairytale, or anything like that. But a book of all my writings--the good ones, and the bad. In ways, I think writing helped me mature into the young woman I am today. I guess you could say it's a silly thing to say, I would agree, but for me, writing opened my eyes into a way that I didn't know possible. I had no imagination, at least I didn't think so, but then my pen met Mr. Paper, and from there, they lived happily ever after.

The Miscellaneous
Society is fucked. Period. A few weeks ago I was talking to a close friend of mine about gay rights. I know it's touchy issue with some people, but it's a big part of the way I live my life. I am straight, I always have been, and I always be, but I am very active in the gay community--I will fight for their equality until the day I die. I had the opportunity to meet Jacob Whipple (a gay activist in Utah) for an interview for a documentary I am making, and he worded what I had been trying to explain so perfectly. It was along lines of: What is it to a straight person if I am married to a man? They aren't affected by it all, it doesn't change the way their life is lived one bit. It will not not affect them when they get up and go to work in the morning, or how they eat dinner with their families. But it changes so much for me.   God will not love you anymore or less if you are gay, straight, lesbian, transgendered, or bisexual, and he will not condemn you to hell. The Latter Day Saints and proposition eight, really piss me off. Throughout this year, I've only grown to understand more about how the gay community is treated. America is about freedom, but yet they limit us? Who's place is it to say what's right and what's wrong? I mean, really? "But the bible says so..." Guess what! The bible says a lot of things--and the bible is NOT a book of rules. It is a book of history and suggested guidelines.

Along the lines of religion, this year I have changed my views. I am not religious--I am spiritual. Religion is nothing but bullshit. All religion is, is a group of people who share the same beliefs in the way you live your life. Being a former LDS member, I can see this. I went to a concert on November twenty-fifth and that's what set everything into motion--Thom Green, the lead singer of a band called Sleeping Giant, said, "Religion has nothing to do with your relationship with God." When he said that, it stuck. Let me stress, I do believe in God, and a lot of aspects of the LDS church, but not because it's what that religion expects, it's because that's what I believe--not what someone told me to believe. I do believe in God, I read the bible, I pray, and I do believe that He had a son. That same God helped me, and continues to help me to this day--and for that reason and many others, I will NEVER turn my back on him. God will not love me anymore or less if I do or do not go to church. My relationship with God is mine--I don't need a religion to have that. It's been a battle trying to get people to see this, because the minute they hear that I don't believe in religion, they roll their eyes at me and then say, "You're saying you don't believe in God?" But, that's not what I'm saying at all. If you think about it, you are only part of your distinct religion because your parents are, and their parents were, and so on, you really had no say in it at all, unless you're one of the few who have been converted, of which you are an exception, but then you've chosen that path for your kids, they will follow your religion, will they not? Of course they will, because that is how you raised them...

The Mother
I've hated her, I've loved her, then I've hated her again. But the truth is, I never hated her. I love her more than anything and respect her more today then I did yesterday. She's the strongest woman I know.

The Best Friend
Scot Johnson. If there is one person who I owe one million and one 'thank yous' to, it's Scot. Scot has been my harbor, my crutch, and my brother. I've never had a friend like him. He has never once backed out on me, never ditched me, never spoken ill of me, and never disappointed me. I will never forget our trips in our cars, our time in class, or the way we laugh about the dumbest of things. I will always remember our trip to Wal-Mart with his outrageous sqwaking, and my silent laughter. I've shared the best laughs with Scot. He's been there through it all. Through those hard weeks, through the sentencing, to financial troubles. I love him more than you'd know--I would do anything for this kid, literally, anything.

The Boyfriend
Had you asked me a year ago where I thought I'd be with this boy, I would tell you I had no idea. I met CJ December 23, 2008. I had no intentions of falling in love, but now that I think back, two-thousand-nine wouldn't have been two-thousand-nine without him.
On June 30, 2009 I wrote the following in my journal:
" "So will you marry me?"
"Of course."

3:30 a.m.
"I can't stop thinking about you...I can't sleep."

These past few days we've just grown so much more in love. I've never been this happy.
I love you.
You're my everything.
My baby...
"...you're my baby." "

There is such a thing as perfect in this screwed up world. And it's him. I've only known him a year, but it feels like a lifetime. I look forward to our phone calls every night, and every time he texts me, I get the biggest smile. I don't doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him--I love him so much. If you were to give me all the good words, in all the dictionaries, in every language, I still wouldn't be able to explain how much he means to me or how much I love him. Through every single disagreement we've had, and through every time I've been the world's worst girlfriend, he has never given up on me or what we are. Not a single time. When I hang up, he calls right back, when I've done wrong, and I'm feeling bad, he makes sure I'm okay first. I love our stupid jokes, and how he makes me laugh at the silliest of things. I love knowing that he will always catch me when I fall. And when he laughs, I get the greatest feeling in the world. I love the sound of his voice when he calls me his Baby, or his Stinky. I love that he's my lobster and that I'm his turtle. I love waking up every single morning knowing that he loves me. I'm excited for my future with him, in every way possible. I look forward to growing old with him and watching the world change. He's my hero, my prince, my everthing. I can't imagine my life without him. Any other guy would have given up me. But not him. He knows who I am better than anyone, sometimes more than me. He knows what to say and when to say it. And for that, and many other reasons, I love him more than life itself.

In Closing
Who knew that I'd be where I am today? No one, except maybe God. I have learned a lot in the past year--about life, about the world, and about myself. I can't say that I have any plans or major changes for two-thousand and ten. I will continue to live my life the way I am, but I will love like I have never loved before. Because you never know when you might be cut short. In some ways, this year has been the shortest, but in others, it's also been the longest.
So here's to the year we've said goodbye to, and the year that lies ahead. The best has yet to come.